Building rapport: science offers some suggestions

At dating agency and singles club RSVP, a necessary element in our introduction process is a first “meeting”. Our matching team and Platinum Dating PAs try to avoid calling  these meetings “dates”, as when you are meeting someone new for the first time, it can be difficult to stay relaxed and natural, without the added pressure of labelling it a date. So we tend to think of them as a precursor for a date that might follow if you hit it off with the other person.

But how do you hit it off with someone in a short space of time? And how can you increase your odds of it leading to a successful and happy relationship? These are big questions, but science has found a nice hint to starting those relationships off on the right footing.

In a recent article on Mic.com, compliments might be a good basis for a happy relationship – whether romantic or platonic. The act of giving and receiving compliments genuinely increases your feelings of vulnerability, which in turn allows a deeper impact on each other and helps build intimacy. This has been supported in a study by Professor Janet Holmes who suggested that compliments allow people to address and appreciate things they value in their partners and friends, which deepens those relationships.

However, when you first start seeing someone, there is an art to making a genuine compliment and sometimes it is better to focus on complimenting actions and personality characteristics, in preference to those about appearance, which can sometimes be perceived as shallow and artificial. Telling someone that they make you laugh or they have a great opinion about something can be seen as more heart-felt and can be great way to build rapport at that very first ..."meeting".

Kindness and generosity make your relationship last

Feverish activity at dating agencies like RSVP across the land marks the start of a new year, when singles’ minds turn to love and the seeking of new relationships. It is also the time of year where the most engagements occur. Whether you’re seeking a new relationship or committing to one, what does it take to make a relationship last, so you can be one of RSVP's success stories?

Several studies have come up with an answer: that it comes down to sharing kindness and generosity. That might seem over-simplified; surely most people would prefer that the spouse were both kind and generous? But in the research of John Gottman and Robert Levenson at the University of Washington, it seems there is much deeper significance. In one of his most important studies, Gottman measured the physiology of newly-wed couples as they talked about different aspects of each other, both positive and negative:

• Over the long-term, he found correlation between how couples that had either separated or were drastically unhappy after six years (he labelled them “Disasters”) seemed during the interview to be biologically ready to attack, producing more sweat with higher pulse rates, even if outwardly they appeared calm.

• By contrast, couples who were still happy in marriages after six years had behaved physiologically more calmly at interview and Gottman named them “Masters”.

To account for these differences, the team theorised that Disasters were constantly on their guard, ready to attack or be attacked, which obviously isn’t good for a relationship. Gottman followed up this study by investigating why Masters were more relaxed with each other and why that led to more satisfaction within a relationship.

During another experiment with newlyweds, they observed couples attempting to make connections over a day with small “bids” for attention based on their own interests. This reflected on their relationship in how kindly their partner took up the bid or rejected it. If their spouse reacted with interest, this created an atmosphere of affection and intimacy that was much easier to sustain over time, whilst if they discounted it as unimportant or just ignored it, that added to a culture of unease and unwillingness to share interests in the long term.

Showing an interest in each other adds up in the long term, so it is important to be as positive and inclusive in those day-to-day interactions. And, for those of you approaching your new year's dating like a shopping expedition - must be over 6ft, must have a degree, can't have a beard, name can't begin with a 'K' - if you want a relationship that lasts, forget the lot and replace them with just two things: kindness and generosity.

If you need some help, talk to the friendly team of relationship experts at RSVP.

Online dating can be bad for your wealth

RSVP is a traditional dating agency, away from the world of internet dating websites, running members only singles events and selecting hand-picked one-to-one matches. One of the prerequisites of becoming a member is that one of our client advisors meets each prospective member before joining. We do this to ensure the safety of all our current members, as well as to make certain that everyone actually is who they say they are and genuinely interested in finding a partner.

But not all companies involved with dating can guarantee this crucial point. Online dating websites that allow anybody to register for free with just an email address have time and again proved to be an easy way for scammers to find vulnerable targets.

In August, four people appeared in Winchester Crown Court after being charged with conspiracy to defraud and money laundering. Two of them have since been convicted. This happened after an elaborate scam on the well-known dating website Match.com, where a profile of an attractive man was set up to entice women and then ask them for money after they had gained their trust. In a ploy distressingly similar to those Nigerian Prince Inheritance email scams, the group hooked vulnerable ladies by exploiting their emotions and as the BBC reported:

“Prosecutors said the men eventually started asking the women to pay money for legal fees in India to release £100m in inheritance they said they were owed.

Many of the women started handing over money ranging from £700 in one case to £174,000 in another case. A total of £220,000 was handed over by the women to the gang, the court heard.”

Everyone who has ever dated knows how nerve-wracking it can feel when you first begin dating. You have to put yourself out there, make yourself vulnerable under the expectant gaze of the opposite sex and then get to know someone all over again. It’s incredibly sad that some people have managed to con others when they’re in this frame of mind. It’s very brave to try to take up alternative dating routes when the traditional meet-someone-in-the-pub-or-the-office has not worked out, so the threat of criminals posing as charming singles who suddenly need to borrow a little money should make you a little wary but hopefully not put you off entirely.

Here at RSVP, we're obviously keen to point out the myriad advantages of traditional introduction agencies. But if you choose online dating, our top tips are:

• If something seems too good to be true, it almost certainly is. So, beware.
• Always tell someone where you are going, the name of the person you are meeting and when you expect to be back.
• Be instantly on your guard if whoever you’re talking to starts asking for money under any circumstances.
• Don't flaunt yourself or your wealth.

But if you really want to stay safe and hang on to your wealth, contact us at RSVP and find out more about how we keep you dating safely at RSVP.

To read more about the Match.com case, follow the links here and here. 

A sneak peak at RSVP's autumn singles events calendar

Here at RSVP singles club and dating agency, we have lots of exciting and

seasonal singles events coming up, to brighten up your diary while the days continue to get darker.

Following the success of our RSVP Exclusive Singles Events, even more exciting activities have been included in our new singles events calendar. These include a helicopter flying lesson, with hands-on flying! This is something to truly get the adrenaline pumping while you bond with your fellow members over your shared once-in-a-lifetime experience.

If you’d rather keep your feet on the ground but still prefer an adrenaline kick, step into the shoes of a secret agent in a covert spy mission. Like in the popular TV show Crystal Maze, you’ll face exciting mental and physical challenges – you never know what you’ll pick up!

With Christmas fast approaching, another RSVP Exclusive Singles Event that might tickle your fancy is our Cooking Master class. With tuition from two expert chefs, you can add to your own skill set just in time for cooking a sumptuous Christmas spread. It’s the sort of activity that is great fun but also might leave you with a talent that is sure to impress the opposite sex!

For the culture vultures, we have arranged an exclusive tour of the Pre-Raphaelite Collection at Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery and a tour of the majestic St Paul’s Cathedral in London. This is all alongside our usual great collection of singles dinners, Mix & Mingles and singles walks; there’s something coming up in the next three months for everyone.

And if you’re not already a member, join RSVP today so you don’t miss out on these fantastic singles events coming up this autumn.

Get your pulse racing.... in more ways than one!

At RSVP Singles Club and Dating Agency, we offer a plethora of singles events and new experiences. Alongside the many relaxing singles dinners, mix and mingles and singles walks, our event consultants make a point of including RSVP Exclusives every month that might shake up your routine and get your pulse racing. In the past, we have had our members plunging down rapids with white-water rafting, exploring the backstage of some of our capital’s most famous theatres and taking to the skies with a helicopter lesson. We run these events to give our members a chance to meet each other in various informal settings where there isn’t as much pressure as meeting one-to-one. But why do we throw in the slightly more unusual events? Why do we not just stick to dinners and drinks, like most other singles clubs?

According to the website Succeed Socially, one of the best ways to meet people is to put yourself “somewhere where the situation breaks the ice for people and naturally gives them reasons to talk to each other.”

This is easier said than done normally, but this is where RSVP singles events come in. By providing a variety of interesting activities, including tours of art galleries, sailing and archery lessons, it allows you to partake in something new and entertaining, whilst not just breaking but shattering the ice! You can’t really avoid the possibility of small talk but when you are busy trying something new, then it also generates a positive conversation topic that both people can equally contribute to - and a shared experience to create an instant bond.

On top of this, The Wall Street Journal has reported on research that sharing a hobby with your partner is a good way to improve your marriage. This might seem obvious, that spending time with your partner might help your relationship flourish, but it is a simple yet effective thing to do. There are also scientifically positive effects that result from trying new things, as Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein notes:

“New experiences also can activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with powerful neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding—the same circuits triggered when a person first falls in love.”

So, joining RSVP Singles Club can get you meeting new people in challenging and intriguing environments. Plus, there's the added bonus that doing more things just makes you more interesting, especially to the opposite sex.

Is there such a thing as the perfect match?

At Dating Agency and Singles Club RSVP, our Gold and Platinum dating memberships memberships offer regular one-to-one matches. We do our best to ensure that the criteria of both parties are satisfied and we always seek an overlap of personality and interests. But sometimes, even when a match is perfect on paper, it doesn’t work face-to-face. The idea of “the perfect match” is universal and often the stated aim of those going dating, although “perfection” is so abstract and subjective that it is almost impossible to set a standard.

But what happens when you think you have found the perfect person for you? That normally leads to a 21^st Century version of ‘Happy Ever After’, with a long-term relationship, cohabitation or marriage possibly on the cards. However, it has been found by research done by Professor Spike Lee of the University of Toronto that the idea of the “soul mate” can actually detract from the positivity of long-term relationships. In his study on long-term relationship success, he asked people in long-term relationships to take a quiz, where he split the participants into two different attitudes; those who see partnership as a “journey” and those that believe their relationships can be described as “perfect unity”. He found that those who attached perfection to their relationships were more likely to be dissatisfied when recalling past conflicts, but the individuals who took their lives more day-to-day were comparatively less dissatisfied.

If we are to take this at face value, it seems obvious not to focus on acquiring perfection. It may work well for couples in romantic comedies and novels but, unlike in fiction, the story doesn’t end when you tie the knot. Instead of searching for your soul mate, it’s much more beneficial to take each day (or date!) as it comes and savour the journey. It will have a positive effect on your relationship even after you ride off into the sunset.

Don't be fazed by first dates

When it comes to dating, navigating the minefield that are stereotypical attitudes can be tricky, even when you're dating with a dating agency like RSVP. It’s hard to know how to present yourself, especially for that crucial first impression, in the most positive light.

A new study, led by Gurit Birnbaum, of the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya in Israel, has found that for men, being too charming on a first date can actually put women off. The research was designed to test the popular maxim that single people always look for someone who is “responsive to their needs". It was actually found that although this might be true for men, who tend to find attentive, open and friendly women more attractive, it is not the same in the reverse. According to the findings, women find more attentive men less attractive, preferring those who come across as less keen.

But how does this affect you?

As we can tell you here at dating agency RSVP, our members often come to us with expectations and requirements that differ for each individual. Everyone is different and so logically, what they are looking for in a partner is different too. Some ladies want a gentleman, some want a man with a brilliant sense of humour and some want someone for quiet walks with the dog on a Sunday morning. Some even want a combination of all three!

The initial telephone call, a key element of RSVP's matchmaking process, is very important for making that first impression. Having spoken to lots of our members, we have found that very often, a factor that decides whether or not the phone call is counted a success, is how interested and motivated the other person comes across over the phone. Regardless of gender, it can be very off-putting if the person you’re talking to doesn’t sound engaged. So the survey findings seem less applicable in these circumstances.

However, they might be relevant when it comes to meeting face-to-face for the first time. That first encounter can be equally significant. Even after a delightful telephone conversation, it can be a little awkward meeting someone new for the first time. I would be loath to advise that one should try and put the findings of the study into practice above being oneself, but it could be useful to think about before your next date.

During the most common first date scenarios, such as drinks and/or dinner, it can be quite intense, having to sustain a conversation while putting on your best game face. This is why it can be quite good to experiment with different types of first dates, perhaps a little more unusual and therefore likely to generate conversation about the activity itself and take a bit of the pressure off the two of you. RSVP's superb singles events provide a brilliant distraction from the sometimes awkward 'getting to know you' phase - how about motor racing, abseiling and taking part in a game of Airsoft? Of course, adrenaline activities might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but sometimes it can be good to go out of your comfort zone; you’d definitely have something to talk about afterwards!

For more information about the study, have a look at this article by Sarah Knapton, The Daily Telegraph’s Science Correspondent.